I know I know! I haven't updated in almost a month but many things have been going on, emtionally, as usual.I hate drama, and I hate the fact that I ca'nt get over a certain someone and he made it worse a couple of weeks ago, but whatever.Anyways here is an essay that I wrote for College English. We had to do a narrative based on a true story, so I hope you guys enjoy. If any gay person happens to read this which I don't think they will cause to my knowledge no gay ppl have my xanga subscription, they should relate in a way.
Closet Case
Her face had the look of someone who was confused and hyrt because she coulnd't understand the situation. Her hair flowed across her shoulders as if it were a piece of the finest silk, giving her a natural beauty even in the morning light. With eyes that were normally the color of a dark chocolate Hershey's Kiss, they now had the look of a woman whose world had been changed. Although she took it better than I thought she would, her calm demeanor didn't give me a false sense of hope that she would accept this new revelation. I could tell by the way she stared intently at me that this was a memory she would never forget.
I remember it like it was yesterday; it was the last Sunday in April of 2003, towards the end of freshman year. The night before I had been terrified of what I knew I had to do. The weight on my shoulders was just too much to bear anymore. As I lay in my bed, I knew the "coming out" letter perfectly conveyed what I wanted to get across to my mom. At the same time, though, I wanted to get some things off my chest that had been built up for years. I left my room and passed my mom in the kitchen so I could get a sheet of paper from the dining room. I started writing down what I felt in my heart, hoping that she would understand. It took about ten minutes to write and even afterwards I was still scared to death because I knew my mom would be reading soon.
As I got up from the table to put the paper on my mom's bed my heart started pounding as if it were about to crack open my chest in order to break free. I went to my room, one of the few places I felt peaceful, and lay down on my soft black sheets, and proceeded to cry my eyes out.Later on she came into my room with a calm look on her face and said, "we need to talk", so I got up and we walked to the living room, which felt like I was walking to my DEATH because this was something I had dreaded for so many years. We talked for about thirty minutes about some of the issues I had been dealing with. She had one of the most puzzled and hurt looks on her face when she asked, how long have I felt this way?
"Since 6th grade."
"That's a long time to keep all that bottled up. Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?"
"I just......couldn't."
She then went on to tell me never to keep anything like that bottled up for so long because it would only eat away at me.
"Do you want to tell you Dad?"
"No."
"What about your sister?"
(silence)
"Do you want me to tell her?"
"Sure"
"Don are you sexually active?"
"NO!"
"Well whenever you get ready to have sex, I want you to let me know so we can go get you some condoms."
(awkward silence)
After that she basically told me I was still her son. They weren't going to kick me out of the house, which is one of the things I had been afraid of. Even though my mom acted like everything was okay, I knew it wasn't. So much had been left unsaid.
Throughout the week I felt things getting somewhat better for me. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. However, that pretty much all changed that Thursday when my dad came home. I didn't expect anything to happen since he walked into the house like he normally does, saying hi and then going into his room, What made me wary, though, was the fact that he called me into his room. He had this knowing, but tired look in his eyes that made me cautious, and it was at that moment that I knew mom had broken her promise.
"I talked to your mom yesterday. She met at the gas station yesterday evening and was crying." "She said that you're gay."
At that point I was just staring at the floor because I figured I was pretty much dead. He went on to tell me what my mom had said when she was crying. He told me that since he's Baptist, he doesn't believe in the whole gay "choice," that he personally doesn't like gays and hates being around them. However, what he told me next and the tone with which he said it is what will forever be etched in my mind.
"You know that if this gets out, it's not something you can take back. People won't want to be around you. You won't have any friends. Do you think when you get older people are going to want you around their kids."
If my dad could have hurt me in any way in my life he had just done it. The pain I had been feeling was only maginified after our conversation, and made me hesistant to tell people even more. My dad made me feel like being gay was a choice, like I just woke up one morning and said I wanted to be hated by over half of the United States; like I didn't want to be able to legally marry and have kids instead of adopting them.
The one thing that to this day I thank God for is music, because without it I do feel that I would have been sent into a downward spiral of depression that would have made me do who knows what. When I put on my headphones it allows me to block out everything that is going on and just think. I can lose myself in my thoughts and just concentrate on what is happening and what I am going to do. Although, music allows me to deal with my emotions at times it still cannot change the fact that at this point in my life no matter how far I've come, right now I feel alone in so many ways. My friends always tell me that they understand what I'm going through but, the fact of the matter is they can't possibly understand. Do you know what it feels like to have some joy in you life, and then all of a sudden have it taken away from you time and time again? As much as they care about me they couldn't possibly understand how that feels. I simply yearn for the companionship that I see my friends take for granted every day in the relationships they have with their girlfirends/boyfriends, because truth be told they don't know how lucky they are when it comes to that aspect of their lives.
My "coming out" experience is something that ahs taught me a great deal about myself and other people as well. Given the chance to understand a situation, most people will be open-minded. I knw that not everyone who "comes out" is as fortunate as me. There are those who are thrown out of the house and disowned by their parents, harasses, beaten, and even murdered for just trying to live their life. I just hope those who hear my story get something out of it in that when they have children of their own, if by some chance they are homosexual that they try to understand them. Don't make the mistake my dad did and make your child feel like something is wrong with them. You'll only cause your child to push you away and exclude you from part of their life that makes them who they are, and that wouldn't be fair to either of you. Life is too short to spend it being hateful and closed-minded.
ALSO........ If you've taken then time to read this then here are a couple pics of me.ENJOY!
http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/silverfang06/Picture005.jpg
http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/silverfang06/Picture004.jpg
http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/silverfang06/Picture027.jpg | 
not that, that's a bad thing and I like Martin.Anyways that's been fun talking to those guys, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up as far as a relationship goes, cause we all know how that ends up when it comes to me.lol. 
